📍 Charlotte, NC ✤ By Katie Lynn Hernandez-Lebowitz
Target and Publix may offer $5 and $10 gift cards when you get a flu shot, but that’s just the tip of the syringceberg. I personally got my vaccination 25 times to find the best deal. They don’t call me one flu over the cuckoo’s nest for nothing! Now they call me 25 flu over the cuckoo’s nest for various deals and savings.
Here are the TOP TEN places you’ve got to get your flu shot at in North Carolina:
Pushy Used Car Lot: 5% Off
Hal’s Used Car Lot on 56th will give anyone who gets a flu shot 5% off one motor vehicle. If you also bring a church bulletin within the week after you got it, he’ll make it 10% off to thank you for being God-fearing and not a heathen! (Don’t get tricky and bring in someone else’s bulletin—he’ll quiz you on the church’s address and the pastor’s name!)
P.S. He says “No Synagogues,” so if anyone wants to challenge that, you could probably win a big payday against him in court. (Although he likely has a good lawyer because he’s not yet out of business selling these jalopies.)
Baila, Mono, Baila!: No Cover
*Unt-tss, unt-tss, unt-tss* Oh, I didn’t see you there! I was just dancing to today’s top 40 hits and enjoying the night life of Charlotte here at “Baila, Mono, Baila!” the hottest club in the North-eastern Southeast! They’ve got everything: Aristocrat Vodka, all the hottest divorced moms, and Illegal smoking in EVERY room in the building! Come on in and get your groove on! Ha, naw, I’m just kidding. I’m in my PJs watching SVU right now at home. They do give you free cover if you let them give you a flu shot, but I got a raincheck for tomorrow. My shoulders are are a little sore.
Sklep Spożywczy z Kanapkami (Polish Deli near my house): Goop
This Goop was somehow spelled with twelve letters, not one of them a vowel, and I believe you’re supposed to dip something in it? It was a solid and a liquid at the same time, and was giving off steam, even though it wasn’t warm at all. Gave me diarrhea, which isn’t always a bad thing, but it was instant, so I ended up having to use the world-renowned Sklep Spożywczy z Kanapkami toilets, which apparently hadn’t been cleaned since Zbigniew and his Babushka, Matka, and Braciszek escaped the Ojczyzna, so that was a real treat. I’m gonna love my new strain of Slavic Hepatitis. His son was cute, though.
Pier 1 Imports: Weird Ottoman
Yes, they’re still open for the next few weeks, but they’re at the closing stage where you get real sad when you go in and see the place. But you won’t be sad for long! Thanks to their new “Pierce 1!” campaign, one flu shot gets you a free ottoman that will never match anything in your house! Trust me, they’re not kidding. We’re remodeling now, and this thing didn’t match our new stuff, didn’t match our old stuff, and won’t match whatever we get duped into buying next by Big DecoratingTM and HGTV. It’s some strange colour I’ve never seen before, like blurplegon or something. Knowing of its existence is likely a mortal sin.
Long John Silver’s: UpGrade!
Let them give you a flu shot, and they’ll boost your combo from a small to a medium for free! Let them inject you with a serum of a shrunken-down submarine of zany explorers who need to hide out in your body for a few days until the heat dies down off them and they can save the world from some spies, and they’ll boost your combo to a large for free! It’s a deal I can’t wait to be done with, because these Modern-day Lewises and Clarkes won’t SHUT THE HELL UP so I can sleep!!
Drug Dealer: Free Dimebag
This one is surprising! I didn’t know Rico cared about public health, but apparently his clientele keep dying of blood-borne viruses, so he’s giving out free vaccinations and throwing in a baggie of $10 worth of ANY drug in stock. I got me some laudanum, because I have a crying baby at home and I’d REALLY like to get some sleep! Ha! Thanks for the solid, Rico!
(I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s not influenza killing his patrons, but it’s definitely not influenza killing his patrons.)
Apple: Single Screw for iPhone SE
(MSRP $199.99) This screw goes in an iPhone SE. I’m not sure where, and I’m not sure which model, since there are two SEs now, and Apple seems hell-bent on not differentiating its models each year, so I don’t know if this is the one I currently own or not, but I’ve got this screw now in case I lose mine! They somehow convinced me to pay for AppleCare for this screw, so they’ve got me in for $15/mo for the next three years, so that’s a joy.
Kohl’s: $4,000 in Kohl’s Cash
This one is AWESOME! I can’t wait to spend all my Kohl’s Cash to buy ALL my hottest new fall fashions. There’s a catch, though! They expire in just 3 days, which is pretty typical for Kohl’s Cash, so spend it FAST! I personally went on Tuesday, so I still have… wait… Oh shit, I need to go spend it tonight before they close! I really wanted to get some dungarees! Let’s see… They close in about 2 hours, that gives me a half hour drive, plus traffic, gotta cook dinner tonight… Aaaand I’m not going to get to spend my Kohl’s Cash. Awesome. I wonder if I can–Nope! Doesn’t work online. Incredible. Just incredible.
Burlington Coat Factory: A Free 4-Piece Suit
It was grey, which is okay. I wanted blue, but they were all out of my size. Note that this is a marginally better deal than Joseph A. Bank, which only gave me a 3-piece suit. They only had brown, but again, I’ll be fine. I guess no one in this godforsaken town has a blue suit in stock!!
Jack-in-the-Box on exit 21: A Cigarette-Free Cuppa Joe
For the low price of one rusty influenza inoculation, they promised they won’t put a cigarette out in my coffee. They lied. It still feels weirdly nice to do my part to prevent the next big pandemic. Also, I might be starting to like cigarette coffee! I didn’t even puke this ti… hold on just one second, please.
25 flu shots and counting later, there have been no side effects aside from a couple seizures, tasting metal, and not being able to communicate my feelings lately. I’ve also been running a consistent fever for about five months. Nevertheless, I have to say this was a fruitful endeavour, except for the CBD/Homeopathy shop I went to where they rewarded me with a lecture and an armful of essential oils for my daring to ask about “vaccines.”
Stay tuned for my COVID vaccination deal reviews coming either next week or next year, depending on your political persuasion.