Fauci Announces that Santa Isn’t Real; You Were the Reason for Your Parents’ Divorce

By Melanie Lech

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Anthony Fauci announced that COVID-19 immunity may be finite, that Santa isn’t real and never was, and that your parents would still be together and have a shot at happiness if you were never born. 

“He can’t possibly get around the entire globe that fast,” Fauci remarked. “It’s just not possible.”

“The reason you didn’t get the presents you wanted as a child wasn’t that Santa didn’t care, it was that your parents didn’t care,” he added.

Fauci says glass not only half empty, but completely empty, and it was made by child slaves.

Right as the board moved on to celebrate potential breakthroughs in coronavirus studies, Fauci, director of the National Institutes of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, went on to assert that the studies may as well have been conducted by Santa, because they were full of “foole tidings” and “sugardumb dust,” and all the Christmas magic in the world wouldn’t be able to stop the reckoning that is upon us, and that “ho ho co-vid-19” could get around the world faster than Santa ever could if he was real, which he’s not.

“Even if we could manage to get the pandemic under control,” he matter-of-factly continued, “there is just no vaccine strong enough to end world hunger.”

In his closing remarks, Fauci asked audience members who their favorite musicians were and then informed them of all the domestic abuse cases with those musicians and concluded his speech by looking into the eyes of a crying child who had just dropped his ice cream cone on the ground and saying, “you’re going to give those ants diabetes.” 

“Grouchy Fauci” was not asked for further comment because the assigned reporters just couldn’t take it. 

Top Ten Summer Fashion Tips I’ve Discovered From Digging Through My Hot Cousin’s Closet and Drawers

By Sid Masterson-Lebowitz

When I was hired to do the Enquirer’s fashion section, I knew I was in over my head.  I lucked out during the interview because light blue jeans two sizes too large and ironic Walmart t-shirts about hating your sister and loving video games were luckily in vogue that season.  But that season ended, and I knew I needed to do some recon. 

Originally, I was planning on taking a trip to Milan for fashion week, but due to the coronavirus, a complete and total lack of budget, and my not knowing where Milan is, I decided to opt for something better.  The way I see it, my hot older cousin is as beautiful as any of those skinny twigs on the runway, so I decided to bring a notepad during my weekly visit to her closet.  

1. Swimsuits:

There are generally two schools of thought here. One of them is the two-piece bikini, of which my cousin has many, and the other is the one-piece, which is the one she tends to wear around me for some reason.  Most of you probably haven’t seen a one-piece swimsuit since church camp, where they made the girls cover up the oh-so-irresistibly sexy tummy while still only leaving one strip of nylon saran-wrapped around the babymaker.  Color options: avoid blue, because otherwise you’ll blend in with the water, and you could get hit by a boat. 

2. High-Waisted Shorts:

If you’re anything like my cousin, you probably like wearing high-waisted shorts to cover up your scar from your gallbladder removal surgery, but I think it’s beautiful.  If you’re worried about appearing too modest, don’t be, because they don’t have to be low-leggeds, so you can still get some cheek action going on down there.  

3. Bermuda Shorts:

Bermuda shorts, bermuda shorts, bermuda shorts–there shouldn’t be anything else in your closet than bermuda shorts.  

4. High-Waisted Bermuda Shorts:

Much like the Bermuda triangle, these babies can make your good, bad, and ugly disappear.  Mostly recommended for if you’re trying to disguise yourself as a man, a boy, or an eel.  Make sure to get these from Bermuda made out of real vole skin instead of padding the packets of those fat cats that use synthetics. 

5. Bermuda Shirts:

Worried about the impending widespread shirt shortage due to the pandemic?  Shirt hoarding is rampant.  We’ve all done it, but now the consequences are coming back to haunt us.  Worry not, because I did not get a Bachelors of Arts in Biomechanical Engineering for nothing.  Follow this one weird tip to turn any pair of bermuda shorts into bermuda shirts: Cut holes into the sides of your bermuda shorts and wear them as a shirt.  (Shirt sellers HATE him!)

6. Pinterest Shirt Crafts:

Whether it’s a t-shirt bag, a halter-alter attempt, or a culturally-insensitive Native American knockoff, Keysha Lebowitz has given up on more DIY projects than she’s started.  (Maybe if she weren’t such a quitter, her boyfriends wouldn’t stop leaving her for having “too weird of a relationship with her family.”)  So, in the interest of saving money, she can patch all of those together and make a multi-use poncho with just enough gaps to remind you of Old Glory, and then save that American Eagle gift card she got for Secret Santa last Hannukah for more bikinis and other accoutrement.  I’ve already offered to accompany her to the store for an unbiased eye.  The same offer goes for any big-boned ladies reading this article.  

7. Long Pants and Winter Coat:

If you really want to stand out this summer, try something totally unpredictable!  My cousin’s going through a bit of a rebellious phase, I think, and refusing to show any excess skin.  Maybe she’s attempting to be more modest because someone has caught her eye and her heart.  Either way, the most difficult road is the road less traveled, and that road is apparently three layers in 90 degree weather.  Bring a water bottle.  

8. Bermuda Pants:

On the bleeding edge of fashion technology, bermuda pants are a lot like regular pants, except that they conveniently extend at least half a foot past your feet.  I’m not sure if my cousin got these because she’s a growing girl waiting for that last growth spurt to put her over six feet, or because she was tired of some masked ne’er-do-well snapping foot pics, but regardless, these are a great way to make a statement or eat it on the sidewalk.  

9. A Mask:

How did this get here?  This will cover your eyes, but won’t provide any protection from someone seeing you and attempting to kick, punch, or throw a projectile at you.  But don’t worry, it can also hide a black eye.  But there are other uses to it, aside from obscuring your identity.  Only have enough sunscreen to cover your forehead, chin, cheeks, and the bottom of your nose?  This haute eye-covering can fill in the gaps.  Looking to fight crime under a secret identity?  This is step one.  Step two is up to you!  Last but not least, it’s a great way to sneak nearly anywhere, because as we all know, if they can’t see you, you can’t see them.  

10. A Fanny Pack:

If you’re like my cousin, you want this to be large enough to hold pepper spray, mace, an extendable baton, and a strobe light to set off my epilepsy, but it’s also nice to carry a yummy snack!  My cousin carries peanuts around, but I’m a bit allergic to those, so pick something better, like chocolate covered almonds!  I’m not allergic to those, and they’re a delicious, nutritious treat.  You deserve it—don’t be afraid to eat, girl!  The fanny pack was invented by Fanny Adams in the 1900s.  I don’t know what she carried in there, but it obviously wasn’t pepper spray, mace, or an extendable baton.  

If at first your outfit doesn’t come together, don’t worry.  I tried five times to get into grad school at Barnard College.  They still haven’t accepted me, but I’m going to keep sending applications in until I run out of paper.  And don’t listen to those jealous sticks that tell you whatever you’re wearing isn’t working out because you don’t have the “body for it.”  Because I’m here to tell you, you do, and it does.  

Today’s random factoid: did you know, there is only a 1 in 5,000 chance in birth defects for a child born to cousin parents?  Cause I did!   

New Long John Silver’s Face Masks Swim to Rescue as Perfect COVID-19 Defense for Fast Food Fish Fans

By Alex Bradford Cobb and Melanie Lech

Arrr! You looking to support your favorite fast seafood restaurant, Long John Silvers, in these uncharted pandemic waters? Look no further than purchasing a Long John Silver’s facial covering!

Long John Silver’s facial coverings aren’t “fish”in’ around; for the first time ever, they’re here to protect the safety and health of patrons in lieu of CO“FISH”-19.  Don’t let some pesky pandemic be what strikes you off this earth.*  Suit up! 

Long John Silver’s facial coverings come in two sizes: adult and minnow, and a variety of different flavours, like: Cod, Haddock, Polluck, and Imitation Crab,** and each mask smells like the fish it’s named after!  

Use the reassuring aroma of our award-nominatable cod to tide you over until your next chance to visit a Long John Silver’s location…  And remember: we have more than FOUR national locations ready to serve you the “flavours”*** you crave! 

What better way to show off Long John Silver’s colors than a facial covering with our logo?

To claim your exclusive Long John Silver’s facial covering, simply complete the salmon run from the ocean nearest you to Alaska’s upper riverbanks and squirt your milt**** onto a gravel bed of your choosing.  Get ready for your life cycle to start again when you sport your new garb and breathe in “fish” air from your new Long John Silver’s mask!  Fish yeah! 

Long John Silver’s masks are low in sodium and trans fat in alignment with our company values***** and available deep fried or grilled.  We genetically engineer each deep-fried mask in the CRISPR to protect against all viruses and other land creatures.  

Plus, they’re lower in sodium and trans fat than our competitor: Captain D’s.  Captain D’s?  More like Captain Deez Nutz!  Am I right, kids?  Watch me fish, watch me naenae.  Besides, who needs sit-down food at fast food prices?  We speak fish, for Chrissake!!  We may be Long John Silver’s, but we deserve the Gold!  

Share your selfie in your Long John Silver’s mask with the hashtag #apocalyfishpse.  We’re “fin’” to get through this, together******

Long John Silver’s: “Yes, We Still Exist!” 

*Let our food do that!
**But don’t eat them!  They’re loaded with BPA and absolutely not safe for human consumption.
***The FDA has informed us we are not to call our “food” “flavorful.” 
****We cannot guarantee we will not use your Milt to make a new fun, fishy food fentree.  
*****Ever since our “Big Catch” meal was ranked the “worst restaurant meal in America” with 33 grams of trans fat, 19 grams of sat. fat, 1320 calories, and 3,700 mg of sodium by the “Center for Science in the Public Interest” in 2013.  Sign our Change.org petition to bring The Big Catch back.  
******Except for those of you who don’t survive the salmon run. 

Gerber Baby Caught Eating Pizza with a Fork and a Knife–Not a Real New Yorker? Not Even A Real BABY?

By Alex Bradford Cobb

Gerber was quick to step in and assure the public it was Gerber-brand pizza.

Magnolia, Gerber’s new 2020 Spokesbaby, at the scene of the crime.

Due to a slow news day, the paparazzi stooped to following around Gerber’s newest baby, Magnolia (she’s adopted, but don’t tell anyone, she’s not ready to find out yet).  

After leaving her apartment in Upper Manhattan, she was spotted toddling down East 7th Avenue towards Tony & Tina’s Deep Dish Pizzeria.  Upon ordering the pie, a paparazzo caught her in the act of coughing without covering her mouth.  

She dug into the pizza, fork and knife grasped in her hands, making a huge mess.  Towards the end of the meal, she adorably picked up some of the tomato sauce and put it on top of her head. 

After she finished eating, she grabbed a to-go box and left a very generous tip (credit where credit is due–she understands the struggle of the service industry). 

Then, our magnanimous Magnolia shattered the guidelines of social distancing by hitching a ride back to her house in the arms of a young woman while also getting cleaned up by a baby buttwipe she no doubt was hoarding. 

Is this the sort of future we want as Americans?  What sort of an example is she setting for the 6-month and under crowd?  I hope my daughter doesn’t aspire to behave in this manner when she reaches her one-year birthday on March 22nd, 2023. 

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