New Long John Silver’s Face Masks Swim to Rescue as Perfect COVID-19 Defense for Fast Food Fish Fans

By Alex Bradford Cobb and Melanie Lech

Masks come in adult and minnow sizes.

Arrr! You looking to support your favorite fast seafood restaurant, Long John Silvers, in these uncharted pandemic waters? Look no further than purchasing a Long John Silver’s facial covering!

Long John Silver’s facial coverings aren’t “fish”in’ around; for the first time ever, they’re here to protect the safety and health of patrons in lieu of CO“FISH”-19.  Don’t let some pesky pandemic be what strikes you off this earth.*  Suit up! 

Long John Silver’s facial coverings come in two sizes: adult and minnow, and a variety of different flavours, like: Cod, Haddock, Polluck, and Imitation Crab,** and each mask smells like the fish it’s named after!  

Use the reassuring aroma of our award-nominatable cod to tide you over until your next chance to visit a Long John Silver’s location…  And remember: we have more than FOUR national locations ready to serve you the “flavours”*** you crave! 

What better way to show off Long John Silver’s colors than a facial covering with our logo?

To claim your exclusive Long John Silver’s facial covering, simply complete the salmon run from the ocean nearest you to Alaska’s upper riverbanks and squirt your milt**** onto a gravel bed of your choosing.  Get ready for your life cycle to start again when you sport your new garb and breathe in “fish” air from your new Long John Silver’s mask!  Fish yeah! 

Long John Silver’s masks are low in sodium and trans fat in alignment with our company values***** and available deep fried or grilled.  We genetically engineer each deep-fried mask in the CRISPR to protect against all viruses and other land creatures.  

Plus, they’re lower in sodium and trans fat than our competitor: Captain D’s.  Captain D’s?  More like Captain Deez Nutz!  Am I right, kids?  Watch me fish, watch me naenae.  Besides, who needs sit-down food at fast food prices?  We speak fish, for Chrissake!!  We may be Long John Silver’s, but we deserve the Gold!  

Share your selfie in your Long John Silver’s mask with the hashtag #apocalyfishpse.  We’re “fin’” to get through this, together******

Long John Silver’s: “Yes, We Still Exist!” 

*Let our food do that!
**But don’t eat them!  They’re loaded with BPA and absolutely not safe for human consumption.
***The FDA has informed us we are not to call our “food” “flavorful.” 
****We cannot guarantee we will not use your Milt to make a new fun, fishy food fentree.  
*****Ever since our “Big Catch” meal was ranked the “worst restaurant meal in America” with 33 grams of trans fat, 19 grams of sat. fat, 1320 calories, and 3,700 mg of sodium by the “Center for Science in the Public Interest” in 2013.  Sign our Change.org petition to bring The Big Catch back.  
******Except for those of you who don’t survive the salmon run. 

Gerber Baby Caught Eating Pizza with a Fork and a Knife–Not a Real New Yorker? Not Even A Real BABY?

By Alex Bradford Cobb

Gerber was quick to step in and assure the public it was Gerber-brand pizza.

Magnolia, Gerber’s new 2020 Spokesbaby, at the scene of the crime.

Due to a slow news day, the paparazzi stooped to following around Gerber’s newest baby, Magnolia (she’s adopted, but don’t tell anyone, she’s not ready to find out yet).  

After leaving her apartment in Upper Manhattan, she was spotted toddling down East 7th Avenue towards Tony & Tina’s Deep Dish Pizzeria.  Upon ordering the pie, a paparazzo caught her in the act of coughing without covering her mouth.  

She dug into the pizza, fork and knife grasped in her hands, making a huge mess.  Towards the end of the meal, she adorably picked up some of the tomato sauce and put it on top of her head. 

After she finished eating, she grabbed a to-go box and left a very generous tip (credit where credit is due–she understands the struggle of the service industry). 

Then, our magnanimous Magnolia shattered the guidelines of social distancing by hitching a ride back to her house in the arms of a young woman while also getting cleaned up by a baby buttwipe she no doubt was hoarding. 

Is this the sort of future we want as Americans?  What sort of an example is she setting for the 6-month and under crowd?  I hope my daughter doesn’t aspire to behave in this manner when she reaches her one-year birthday on March 22nd, 2023. 

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