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📍 The Holy Prison Cell 35-C
Controversial Netflix film Cuties has been under fire by liberals, conservatives, basically everyone except your chronic contrarian Facebook friends, and now, the Catholic church.
“This film is a disgrace. Sexualizing and objectifying children? That’s just not something that you do to little girls. You do it to little boys,” the now on leave of absence Father Benjamin said. “And I didn’t see any of that in the movie.”
“When we heard about Cuties, we were enthralled–had the Holy popcorn and Mike & Ike’s out and everything–until we found out this movie was about the icky kind!” Father Adams revealed.
“First they let women be altar servers, and now this? They’re taking our young boy’s jobs away!”
“Turns out this XXX movie was actually XX and we were asking ourselves, X-Why???” Cardinal Wenceslaus bemoaned.
“If we had known you could get away with this s— by just calling it a movie, we would’ve just brought a film crew to the back room and released that on Netflix! Pardon my… French.”
Local parishioner Juan Montóndeniños also criticized the French film, saying, “Stick to fries, man!!”
When condemned for their views on young boys, Archbishop O’Kean retorted, “the savior of humanity was a little boy, for His sake.”
Pope Francis could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy trying to make up for decades worth of wrongdiddling by authority figures in his religion and setting a trap with a sign that reads “Prepubescent Boys Here” and an arrow pointing underneath a box propped up by a stick to catch the last few stragglers.
OP ED ✤ By Joe Coyote
Just leave out a salad; I’m tired of eating your beloved pets. Let’s have some variety. Imagine having to eat dogs and cats every day, day in and day out. I’m an American, g*dd**mmit, not some Guangdong Chinese coyote. Also, don’t fatten your pets up so much, my coyote doctor’s been getting on my back lately about my cholesterol. And don’t leave your kids out; we don’t want to eat them because they’re filled to the brim with big pharma’s poisons. And I heard what happened to the frogs, and I’d like to avoid the same fate.
Trans Rights?? What about Latrans Rights??
And while we’re at it, nobody ever picks up my poop and bags it.
We would also like to request some sort of accessibility features into your yard. We will remind you that the America Disability Act passed in 1991 does not say that coyotes are excluded. I voted for Ducokis, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let H.W.’s best bill fall to the wayside.
PLEASE don’t leave your trash can in view of the road, like the Homeowner’s agreement states, as it makes it more difficult for me to sneak in and steal your garbage.
And finally, we’d like to discuss our representation in the media. Wile E. Coyote specifically. Not all of us have an unhealthy consumer relationship with the ACME corporation. (I purchase many products from there, but I always stay in budget.)
In conclusion, we all worship the same coyote god, we all work at the same coyote factory, and we all attend the same coyote sock hops and fox trots. So why can’t we throw each other a bone? Besides, the real enemies are the hyenas–those things are scary. I’ve been watching animal planet lately, and NO, I’m not stealing anyone’s cable, so don’t go pointing any fingers! (Also, P.S. Gerald, did you change your HBO Go password?)
We have a saying in the coyote community: steal, kill, and destroy–whoops! I mean live long and prosper. That’s all we wish to do. All we ask is for your cooperation.
Remember: We all want the same thing: To reform the Coyote Caliphate and lead a siege on the Holy Coyote City of Jerusalem and retake the homeland for Coyotedom. Deus Vult and all that. What’s so bad about that?
✤ The views expressed by Joe Coyote do not reflect the views of the Mean Bean Enquirer ✤
Shaken, not stirred.
By Alex Bradford Cobb
📍 Mobile, Alabama
In what has been described as a great, horrific, leap forward for human evolution, local boy Kyle Upshaw has been born with two fully functioning gills, leaving scientists scratching their heads, doctors reaching for the smelling salts, his parents completely indifferent, and sending the priest to the library for an ancient holy water recipe. The Chinese swear to God they weren’t involved this time, but I for one think they’re full ofasdklfj;kdasl;mfnasdknbml;fvcj, very very truth yes yes.
Kyle has already displayed an affinity for all things aquatic with his ability to survive outside in the deep South far longer than the customary fifteen minutes that a normal Homo Sapiens Sapiens can manage.
In lieu of breastmilk, Kyle has been munching on those pellets you get at the beach for 25 cents to toss down to the catfish. His mother reportedly said, “Well, more for me!”
Despite his apparent quick growth and competence, his parents have had their hands full keeping plastic straws, drink rings, and broken up Styrofoam coolers out of his mouth, nose, and gills.
Long John Silvers has been licking its chops hoping to put together an Upshaw Platter for just $5.99 before tax, but fortunately, it is still illegal to eat fish-human abominations. However, that is all due to change if Splong Jahm Splilvers, the dark horse presidential candidate, wins in November, as his platform consist mostly of reforming legislation around eating human-animal hybirds. When reached for comment, his team responded, “I’m sorry, I thought this was AMERICA!!”
The scientific community is looking forward to studying Kyle and uncovering why Evilution experienced a radical change in punctuated equilibrium with him. The mom claims she “hasn’t f*#%ed a fish within the last nine months,” so that’s not why. We can safely check that hypothesis off our lists.
Others, however, aren’t taking the paradigm shift so well. Ken Ham was seen in the streets of Kentucky, on a soapbox, holding Darwin’s Origin of the Species shouting, “I believe! I believe, Sciencedamnit! I believe now!”
The baby was also born with webbed toes, but that was a result of inbreeding, completely unrelated to the evolution, and far from uncommon in that region of our beautiful, quaint Nation.
I’ll take my beans… fried.
Nothing skinny about it.
By Melanie Lech
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Anthony Fauci announced that COVID-19 immunity may be finite, that Santa isn’t real and never was, and that your parents would still be together and have a shot at happiness if you were never born.
“He can’t possibly get around the entire globe that fast,” Fauci remarked. “It’s just not possible.”
“The reason you didn’t get the presents you wanted as a child wasn’t that Santa didn’t care, it was that your parents didn’t care,” he added.
Fauci says glass not only half empty, but completely empty, and it was made by child slaves.
Right as the board moved on to celebrate potential breakthroughs in coronavirus studies, Fauci, director of the National Institutes of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, went on to assert that the studies may as well have been conducted by Santa, because they were full of “foole tidings” and “sugardumb dust,” and all the Christmas magic in the world wouldn’t be able to stop the reckoning that is upon us, and that “ho ho co-vid-19” could get around the world faster than Santa ever could if he was real, which he’s not.
“Even if we could manage to get the pandemic under control,” he matter-of-factly continued, “there is just no vaccine strong enough to end world hunger.”
In his closing remarks, Fauci asked audience members who their favorite musicians were and then informed them of all the domestic abuse cases with those musicians and concluded his speech by looking into the eyes of a crying child who had just dropped his ice cream cone on the ground and saying, “you’re going to give those ants diabetes.”
“Grouchy Fauci” was not asked for further comment because the assigned reporters just couldn’t take it.
By Sid Masterson-Lebowitz
When I was hired to do the Enquirer’s fashion section, I knew I was in over my head. I lucked out during the interview because light blue jeans two sizes too large and ironic Walmart t-shirts about hating your sister and loving video games were luckily in vogue that season. But that season ended, and I knew I needed to do some recon.
Originally, I was planning on taking a trip to Milan for fashion week, but due to the coronavirus, a complete and total lack of budget, and my not knowing where Milan is, I decided to opt for something better. The way I see it, my hot older cousin is as beautiful as any of those skinny twigs on the runway, so I decided to bring a notepad during my weekly visit to her closet.
There are generally two schools of thought here. One of them is the two-piece bikini, of which my cousin has many, and the other is the one-piece, which is the one she tends to wear around me for some reason. Most of you probably haven’t seen a one-piece swimsuit since church camp, where they made the girls cover up the oh-so-irresistibly sexy tummy while still only leaving one strip of nylon saran-wrapped around the babymaker. Color options: avoid blue, because otherwise you’ll blend in with the water, and you could get hit by a boat.
2. High-Waisted Shorts:
If you’re anything like my cousin, you probably like wearing high-waisted shorts to cover up your scar from your gallbladder removal surgery, but I think it’s beautiful. If you’re worried about appearing too modest, don’t be, because they don’t have to be low-leggeds, so you can still get some cheek action going on down there.
3. Bermuda Shorts:
Bermuda shorts, bermuda shorts, bermuda shorts–there shouldn’t be anything else in your closet than bermuda shorts.
4. High-Waisted Bermuda Shorts:
Much like the Bermuda triangle, these babies can make your good, bad, and ugly disappear. Mostly recommended for if you’re trying to disguise yourself as a man, a boy, or an eel. Make sure to get these from Bermuda made out of real vole skin instead of padding the packets of those fat cats that use synthetics.
5. Bermuda Shirts:
Worried about the impending widespread shirt shortage due to the pandemic? Shirt hoarding is rampant. We’ve all done it, but now the consequences are coming back to haunt us. Worry not, because I did not get a Bachelors of Arts in Biomechanical Engineering for nothing. Follow this one weird tip to turn any pair of bermuda shorts into bermuda shirts: Cut holes into the sides of your bermuda shorts and wear them as a shirt. (Shirt sellers HATE him!)
6. Pinterest Shirt Crafts:
Whether it’s a t-shirt bag, a halter-alter attempt, or a culturally-insensitive Native American knockoff, Keysha Lebowitz has given up on more DIY projects than she’s started. (Maybe if she weren’t such a quitter, her boyfriends wouldn’t stop leaving her for having “too weird of a relationship with her family.”) So, in the interest of saving money, she can patch all of those together and make a multi-use poncho with just enough gaps to remind you of Old Glory, and then save that American Eagle gift card she got for Secret Santa last Hannukah for more bikinis and other accoutrement. I’ve already offered to accompany her to the store for an unbiased eye. The same offer goes for any big-boned ladies reading this article.
7. Long Pants and Winter Coat:
If you really want to stand out this summer, try something totally unpredictable! My cousin’s going through a bit of a rebellious phase, I think, and refusing to show any excess skin. Maybe she’s attempting to be more modest because someone has caught her eye and her heart. Either way, the most difficult road is the road less traveled, and that road is apparently three layers in 90 degree weather. Bring a water bottle.
8. Bermuda Pants:
On the bleeding edge of fashion technology, bermuda pants are a lot like regular pants, except that they conveniently extend at least half a foot past your feet. I’m not sure if my cousin got these because she’s a growing girl waiting for that last growth spurt to put her over six feet, or because she was tired of some masked ne’er-do-well snapping foot pics, but regardless, these are a great way to make a statement or eat it on the sidewalk.
9. A Mask:
How did this get here? This will cover your eyes, but won’t provide any protection from someone seeing you and attempting to kick, punch, or throw a projectile at you. But don’t worry, it can also hide a black eye. But there are other uses to it, aside from obscuring your identity. Only have enough sunscreen to cover your forehead, chin, cheeks, and the bottom of your nose? This haute eye-covering can fill in the gaps. Looking to fight crime under a secret identity? This is step one. Step two is up to you! Last but not least, it’s a great way to sneak nearly anywhere, because as we all know, if they can’t see you, you can’t see them.
10. A Fanny Pack:
If you’re like my cousin, you want this to be large enough to hold pepper spray, mace, an extendable baton, and a strobe light to set off my epilepsy, but it’s also nice to carry a yummy snack! My cousin carries peanuts around, but I’m a bit allergic to those, so pick something better, like chocolate covered almonds! I’m not allergic to those, and they’re a delicious, nutritious treat. You deserve it—don’t be afraid to eat, girl! The fanny pack was invented by Fanny Adams in the 1900s. I don’t know what she carried in there, but it obviously wasn’t pepper spray, mace, or an extendable baton.
If at first your outfit doesn’t come together, don’t worry. I tried five times to get into grad school at Barnard College. They still haven’t accepted me, but I’m going to keep sending applications in until I run out of paper. And don’t listen to those jealous sticks that tell you whatever you’re wearing isn’t working out because you don’t have the “body for it.” Because I’m here to tell you, you do, and it does.
Today’s random factoid: did you know, there is only a 1 in 5,000 chance in birth defects for a child born to cousin parents? Cause I did!